I’m in Ohio. Nothing is growing around here.
Times are tough in the weather department. I’m dealing with a snow/mud mélange that never totally freezes or thaws. I threw a bunch of straw in the backyard (I drove to the TRACTOR STORE to buy a bale of it) so my dogs don’t track in all the mud, which led to a tense conversation.
You put too much straw in the yard and it will kill the grass
The grass is already dead, it’s winter
I’m told I don’t understand the cyclical nature of grass.
I was about to order a Friendly Bonsai Seeds Starter Kit because it sounded cute. A way to connect with the earth, or dirt, or soil, whatever. Planting trees sounds healing. The mini version of anything sounds cute.
Here’s the hook: ALL FOUR OF THOSE FUCKING TREES come in one little starter kit. Say no more!!!
I work from home (“blessing!” - daily affirmations) and spend much of my workday gazing out the window, listless, trying to tune out my trifling neighbors.
They are loud as hell. Yesterday they were blasting Pony by Ginuwine while enjoying wine coolers, which do still exist, on their front porch at 9 am and encouraging their many kids to “go sledding” - aka, ride their little sleds DIRECTLY INTO THE STREET.
Like, live on the wild side, cool, but I don’t want to see a car/sled collision. I feel like it’s only a matter of time. Don’t write me into that story.
Calming solution: Bonsai!
What if could plant, grow, and strategically place a tree near my window? Could I use a mini-Maple to eclipse my view of impending sled-death?
Oh, and look at those adorable little mini tree trimmers!! Perfect for elves.
I always read the negative Amazon reviews because they are a treasure trove of tragicomedy and repressed anger. I want to meet these anonymous lost souls, I do.
Ok, so this one got me. Is she okay?!
1.0 out of 5 stars
Fun in the moment but disappointing in the end
Reviewed in the United States on May 20, 2020
I followed the instructions for every seed that came. They stayed in the soil for months and sprouted NOTHING. Maybe the seeds were dead from sitting in a warehouse.
The process was fun to do with my boyfriend. I wanted this to be a way to symbolize our relationship, as we had just moved in together; I wanted us to grow something. But nothing sprouted.
My heart is breaking for her! I can’t give money to that company. WTF.
So instead of getting started with Bonsai I watched Night Stalker on Netflix.
She was only two months in to the pandemic when she bought that whack-ass tree kit. She probably thought covid would just blow over. She decided to forge ahead with major life decisions, like move in with her boyfriend, who probably didn’t deserve her. Maybe the trees will make me like him more, she thought.
The process was fun
I wanted this to be a way
I wanted us to grow something
But nothing sprouted
Maybe the seeds were dead from sitting in a warehouse.
If I knew where to find her, I would send her a tree.
P.S. Remember this song?
Raena I’m obsessed with this, and you!!!