During a job interview recently, a guy asked me at least three times if I’m “a go-getter.” Am I passionate about sales? He wanted to know.
FUCK NO, I am not passionate about selling things, or even about money, which makes me the worst candidate ever. Come to think of it, I’m ready to disrupt the entire money system. Make it weirder and scammier than crypto.
How about this: we just stop using money. Would there be a catastrophic world war? Or would we chill the fuck out and figure out how to share, a topic we started learning about in preschool?
Probably everyone would kill each other, apart from tech investors with personal spaceships who can just fly away from Earth. Go ahead, Elon. Start a private wealth commune on another planet. I’ll stay here with all the animals and trees. P.S. Please take the SCOTUS with you in your spaceships.
![Elon Musk, Richard Benson, Jeff Bezos, and a rocket launch (Photo illustration by Salon/Getty Images) Elon Musk, Richard Benson, Jeff Bezos, and a rocket launch (Photo illustration by Salon/Getty Images)](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F900ef275-719f-412d-b0a8-5c4a0c75aa51_1200x810.jpeg)
There are few things cringier than forcing myself to pretend I am brimming with excitement about the very things that make me question my entire life.
In America, we put authenticity on a pedestal, right next to the motto “Fake it til you make it.” My current job requires a total personality change, and it’s starting to eat me alive.
Because I’m a grown-up with bills and stuff, I’m trying to push through, show up, be my best self, fake my best self (who is living her fake best life). I’m trying to feign excitement, mainly so I can rest easy at night, knowing my dogs have a place to live.
That’s the core fear: I render myself unemployable, wind up homeless, living in my Honda Civic with 2 dogs. If we make it to the winter, we’ll all freeze to death, but we’ll probably expire sooner since it’s hard to steal dog food. (Heavy/conspicuous.)
This silly fear has kept me up at night. Still, at time I feel like I physically can’t work, which is obviously bullshit, but the mind is powerful. What makes me feel even MORE guilty about this? I’m painfully aware that only someone very privileged could even entertain these thoughts.
Let’s not confuse “privilege” with wealth. Am I rich? Hell no, my bank account is generally at break-even or worse. Nest egg? Yeah right.
I’m the opposite of wealth; I’m sitting on a mountain of student debt and other nonsense. But I DO have the ability to get a job that will pay me enough to meet or exceed my monthly expenses. Largely because of where I was born, and when, and other luck-of-the-draw factors.
And yet I quit, always. I become afflicted with melancholy and FOMO, a deep-seated life-isn’t-fair complex. Slowly morph into Sylvia Plath at every job until I just bail. (Shout out to Laurie Weeks for her letters to Sylvia Plath - if there’s anyone left in this world who has NOT read Zipper Mouth, run to The Feminist Press and get a copy, stat!)
So why is it so hard to suck it up and work? Why does everything feel like a joke or an insult to my intelligence? This isn’t the voice of clinical depression, though that’s a voice I’m familiar with. It’s anger, disguised as a victim complex.
The two feed each other: The more powerless I feel, the angrier I become at the “system” rendering me powerless. But who is taking my power and what exactly would I prefer to use it on? (Stay tuned: soon I’m going to figure this shit out.)
I’m not expending energy at work lately because I have no skin in the game and no emotional investment. I’m doing the barest of bare minimums, some might say this is bordering on theft, like if you could steal time. Am I stealing time from a corporation? Maybe, whatever.
Not gonna lie: I feel no empathy for corporations, but on a personal level, I want to do the right thing. I feel better when I live with integrity and do what I say I’m going to do. Lately, it’s feeling damn near impossible to push myself. Make the call, close the sale, be upbeat, and be persuasive. HOW DO I PERSUADE MYSELF TO BE PERSUASIVE? The truth is, I simply do not give a fuck if a customer buys anything from me, the company, or any company. I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU BUY.
Until I write a book. Please buy the book. 😇