I learned a lot when I dropped $20 on a pre-employment assessment. Because I told the truth for once.
In January, I quit my fancy job with a marketing agency. I left before they could fire me, which may not have happened IRL; I tend to “awfulize,” as they say in rehab.
I accidentally overcharged a client $20k.
I never said I do math. Quite the opposite!
I smoothed over the client situation, but the vibe changed. She might not be cut out for this, their brains were practically screaming at me (silently).
Taking it further, it’s quite possible I am not cut out for any [day]job. It’s a real possibility. I mean, I’m interested in lots of things, but about 20 years late to the party. How could I launch a career in, for example, investigative journalism…now? In my forties, with six-figure student loan debt? Even if I pulled it off, would I like it? Or would I be forced to write about boring stuff I don’t care about?
Lately, I’ve stopped giving AF about my present condition. I’ve decided to BE a writer, not “a person who sometimes writes.”
I’ve been writing since I was a toddler, no shit (and no pun intended). Yet I’ve never referred to myself as a writer. Why?
I met some crazy writers at a retreat, and everything feels different. Cracks of light are breaking through my creaky doors of perception. To be real, I feel like I’m on a low dose of cocaine. In a good way!
(Sure, I still need the day job. But I have a plan.)
Ever taken a pre-employment personality assessment?
They tend to be the final, often fruitless hoop employers make you leap through, on the treacherous quest for health insurance and stability. Sure, I’ll take your quiz! 🎉
Over the years, never by choice, I’ve done the StrengthsFinder, the Motives, Values, and Preferences Inventory, and countless others, always answering in a manner that paints an idealized portrait of myself.
The go-getter, the selfless achiever.
The codependent workhorse who will grind her sanity to a pulp to make more money, for more white men, cuz patriarchy and capitalism RULE! 🤮
Who answers a test honestly when a job is on the line? #onlytherich.
When the last job fell apart, I began to wonder what these years of test fraud have cost me, if anything. Either the tests are silly and mean nothing, or I’ve missed out on some nuggets of self-knowledge. Taken to the extreme, what if I have fatal/hidden flaws? Do I have defects that have locked me into an unconscious-yet-self-imposed holding pattern, professionally, for my entire adult life???? Is a blind spot preventing me from accessing my highest self?
Or just, like, my attitude?
Since 2012, my “real jobs” have followed this exact pattern
Nail the interview 🔥
Blow everyone away, early 🙌🏻
Learn fast
Do my hair consistently
Get a raise 💰
Get a promotion 🚀
Burn out and explode like the sun. Take a leave of absence, quit, or get fired.
Career options = limited when you have attention issues, minor criminal record issues (drugs, don’t judge, old charges!!), poor math skills, lack of direction, a creative nature [meaning zero desire to be in the “normal” workforce], and/or the need for constant positive reinforcement. Often people like me wind up working in SALES: a word that gives me instant anxiety, even though I’ve been doing it for years.
If asked, I say I work at a startup, it sounds better.
Working in sales used to give me massive dopamine hits; for a time they were strong enough to convince me I was born for this shit.
I’ve been called a closer, a rock star, and a baller - all phrases you’ll hear on any sales team on any given day. It’s infantilizing and cringey and TBH I don’t want to be a baller. I just want some neat bylines.
When I ingest compliments, my system converts them to MDMA. That’s the problem. Hit me with flattery, tell me I’m unique, I’ll smash my quota, I’ll sell so much stuff. I love praise! 🙌🏻
Even if I know the job is going to be an awful fit, I tend to nail job interviews, because I’m psychic! Or damaged. I’m told what a great cultural fit I’ll be, because of my comfort with ambiguity (that answer is gold, you’re welcome). Nothing says to a company This chick will put up with ANYTHING!!!! quite like “comfort with ambiguity.”
Who is comfortable with ambiguity? Who wants to wear EVERY hat, rather than one really good hat? I hate capitalism. I’m moving to a commune, as soon as I can figure out my finances.
My truth-seeking process
When I set out to take a career assessment as My Real Self, I had low expectations. But the results felt accurate, albeit horribly written.
Step 1: Find one I can take for free or cheap. I scoured Reddit threads about long-term career dissatisfaction for 20 minutes. Found a hot tip: take the Working Genius assessment. It was twenty bucks.
Step 2: Take the test. Be radically, brutally honest.
Step 3: ?????????
Committed to the cause, I set aside my strong opinions regarding the Working Genius site’s design, writing quality, writing style, lack of writing style, weird grammar, etc.
I should also say I know zero about the book/test’s author(s), for all I know they could be cult leaders. The test itself was easy, and the results were a PDF report mapping out the following:
My 2 Working Geniuses (stuff I love, and do well, see below!)
My 2 Working Competencies (stuff I can do/don’t like)
My 2 Working Frustrations (things at which I suck, and also loathe)
My “unique pairing”
The verdict is in:
YES, yes, yes. (Also, these qualities have not always served me well, or gotten me paid, also my “ideas” may have created legal issues in the past.)
Regarding my pairing: I wish it sounded cooler. No matter. I spent the twenty bucks, I’m bought in: I am a Discriminating Ideator [D/I].
My Working Frustrations - yikes! [that’s what I call honest]
Skipping over the middle part because it’s pretty boring. The tea is part 3.
Translation: I don’t want to motivate others; it burns me out, fast. I HATE seeing a project through to completion. [Unless I love the project. Then = I’ll galvanize the shit out of it!] This biting summary of defects is further proof I made the right choice, all my life, by lying on these tests.
In a nutshell:
I love coming up with weird ideas
I’m creative
I don’t want to finish anything, especially when bored, which is most of the time
When things begin to feel unbearable at work, as they inevitably do, I walk away
Thanks(?), Working Genius. Maybe I knew this stuff already, but I never saw it in writing. You spelled it out. I’m screwed.
Had I not gotten hooked on drugs as a teen, I could’ve had a career like Amal Clooney’s.
Maybe at least been a lawyer. Instead, I spend my time buying cookie towers for vets, because I want them to recommend pet insurance to their customers.
My current office was designed to attract Cool Young People with Moderate Salary Requirements (not sure why they hired me).
Standing desks, cold-brew coffee on tap, and the office is dog-friendly. Open concept. Lots of plants. People wear unicorn sweatshirts and post cat pics while on the clock. In a way I’m the team elder, because I’m not 30. I’m required to attend virtual pizza parties on Slack whilst emoji reacting to whatever is “spoken” in any of our 14 team chats. Language smashed down into cutesy pings; tiny hearts and dancing penguins.
It’s exhausting to act normal for 40 hours a week and draining to pretend I am “money-motivated.” And to succeed in sales, that’s sort of the main requirement.
Why keep up this charade?
I need funds for premium kibble (only the best for my dogs), caffeine, printer paper, counseling, and psych meds. If I had a lifetime supply of those items, I’d quit my job right now.
Speaking of money, how does it work, exactly? I burn cash on the dumbest shit, keeping me locked in gold-plated handcuffs. Last night I had one Shamrock Shake delivered, at midnight, and didn’t even drink it.
The Brass Tax: All I wanna do is write. Refusing to save money or “get ahead” might be the most subversive thing I can do sometimes, which makes zero sense if we’re approaching this logically (not the case - refer to diagram).
Some final advice, from the Working Genius folks:
“You will want to avoid spending too much time doing activities in these areas (galvanizing, etc.) as this usually leads to weariness and dissatisfaction. You will also want to avoid feeling unnecessarily shameful or guilty about not being naturally gifted in these areas.”
How do I do that? HOW DO I EXIT THE SHAME SPIRAL?
THIS helped. A lot. Scrappy Literary retreat
I spent 4 windy days in NY at a writing retreat with some of my favorite people ever. The experience was more healing than attending a shaman-guided ayahuasca ceremony, because of the writers I met, and the retreat’s focus: getting SCRAPPY and making shit happen. Insights kept coming, and I wasn’t even on mushrooms or anything. For example:
I’m a writer because I say I am
Bad career → My fault/Not my fault → I no longer care → It just doesn’t matter.
The career path I’ve “chosen” (stumbled into) is a bad fit! Categorically.
Which is FUNNY, not bad.
I can open my heart and mind to bad jobs, or at least my laptop. I have material
Ok. I’m leaning in, effective immediately. Why work you can write about work? Not just about work - that would get boring fast. (Or would it?)
IMPORTANT NOTE: I plan to start a Fax Machine-themed literary journal, it’s going to touch on some real issues. Working title: Fax Ma’Zine. I think there’s some TBQ synergy here [cough, M.M. Carrigan HMU] or at least the makings of an Online Feud that will make everyone involved rich + famous or neither.
I’ve even considered faxing as a mode of distribution. Real Authors like Chloe see the vision.
Loooove this! And you!