Last year an outspoken MAGA hippie threatened to pull a gun on my sister and I, after we cut through the woods and walked past a locked box of her possessions. Who knows WTF was even in that box or why she stored it in the forest. Weird! We were definitely not interested in sawing off the padlock to find out.
We’re no thieves. We were cutting through the woods to evade apartment security, on our way to the quarry, where we intended to peacefully kayak.
Did we sneak in? Whatever, technically, yes. My sister used to live there so we felt entitled. If we’re going by the book, the water is only open to current residents of Runaway Bay.
Long story short (full story here), the forest-dwelling Karen relented after we told a series of white lies. We kayaked until the broken kayak became too full of water to function and we were in danger of losing the kayak and/or drowning. It was a mediocre solstice but we made it work.
This year at the quarry, shit is getting crazy. Or is it?
It’s no surprise that Runaway Bay attracts drama. The name alone should be a tip-off. It sounds like a hideout for pirates and fugitives, or a dystopian Margaritaville. They have glossy marketing materials shot through with lies, unscrupulous landlords, and a maintenance team that takes 19 months to fix a mailbox (true story.)
Now, the city’s most unhinged rental property is on the news, after a resident reached out with a hot tip: the complex is being attacked by pop-up parties! Apparently “hundreds of people are partying at the pool, the beach, and even the parking lot.”
NOT THE PARKING LOT!!! The informant disclosed that Runaway Bay has become “a living nightmare.” Primetime reporters warned viewers story is “SHOCKING….to say the least.”
I have thoughts.
1. Teenagers busting into swimming pools and beaches is, like, not at all newsworthy. This tradition has been going on since the dawn of the apartment complex.
**I have MANY MORE thoughts about how racism factors into this so-called crisis, and if you’re reading this, I hope you do too.)
2. Runaway Bay has always been a shitshow. The rent is comically high, apartments are falling apart, smells like rotting garbage, half the tenants are problem drinkers, beachgoers ruin the vibe by blasting country music and singing along. When my sister lived there, someone smashed her sliding glass door, her car got stolen, and her chihuahua was attacked by an unleashed wolf hybrid.
3. I can almost guarantee the woman we encountered last year in the woods is who contacted a reporter to alert them of this “crisis.” She was the only one featured on TV and let me tell you, this was her time to shine! I suspect she’s been waiting for decades to publicly share her views. (Like her views about all of humanity.)
Note: Allegedly there was a gun fired at one of these parking lot takeovers. No one got hurt. For all I know it was HER gun! (I can’t prove this nor am I making any actual claims.)
Maybe I should care more about swimming rules. Maybe this is misdirected anger about how the Los Angeles protests have been blown insanely out of proportion. Maybe the news needs to calm down, in general. Maybe everyone who lives at Runaway Bay needs to do some box breathing or make a gratitude list. Or take a Xanax. (Please do not mix with alcohol.)
Anyway, if I was on their side (they = the lady from the woods + the reporters), I’d be a hypocrite.
I’m not a teenager, but basically I did the same thing last year: snuck in to go hang out at the quarry. I didn’t bring 200 friends (nor do I have 200 friends), but life is short, and if you don’t want your apartment complex invaded by party people, maybe don’t live at the one place in Ohio with a beach.
***SERIOUS CONTENT WARNING ABOUT THIS VIDEO
I made the mistake of reading the comments. They’re packed with a level of hate-speech I naively thought was illegal. Please do yourself a favor and try to avoid them. They’re truly sickening and I don’t want this blog to draw attention to the assholes who wrote them. That said, the video itself contains some truly stellar “journalism” in case you need a chuckle.